What I've Been Searching For

What I've Been Searching For

Creative is a word most people use to describe me. It's the word I identify with the most. Every job I've ever applied to, I ask myself the same question before, "Is this creative enough for me"? The truth is, without the ability to unleash my creativity, my life loses color and becomes dull. It's a component that is necessary in my life, behind food, water, relationships, and God.

Ever since I could remember, I've had the most unusual dreams about colors I've never seen and shapes I didn't know my brain could create. Over the years, I've used several forms of creative mediums to communicate what I saw whenever I closed my eyes. While searching for this outlet, my soul was seeking; this is the journey it led me on:

Music was my first form of creative expression. The language of music helped me to communicate the thoughts I couldn't put into words. Music, in and of itself, helped me to express my feelings and emotions. Even though I stopped pursuing the art of music, it'll always be an integral part of my story, and I'll never forget the big dreams I had of going to The Julliard School as a kid.

Makeup artistry was the second form of creative expression I explored. At a young age, I would watch my mom and sisters' morning makeup routine in fascination. As I grew up, I became enamored by the colors of makeup and how they were able to communicate your mood for that day and help you present the person you wanted to show the world. I worked as a makeup artist for several years and became best known for my use of color and blending techniques. While I loved the world of cosmetic artistry, I felt like a certain creative freedom was missing.

Psychology was my third form of creative expression. I started to think, "What if I'm not looking to create a reaction from what I place into the world, but seeking to understand WHY people react." I had spent my life up to that point, CREATING, but I questioned if my motivations were deeper. I went to college to study psychology(and later switched to business) hoping it would help me understand WHY people react to certain things, WHAT makes them feel emotion and WHY. I learned a whole lot, but in the end, I couldn't see myself in this type of profession. My curiosities still follow me to this day, however, and often bleed into the work I create. So, I am very fortunate for this season in my life.

Photography was my fourth form of creative expression and took me on my most vibrant journey to date. I grew up in the very scenic state of Oregon, surrounded by all shades of green trees and deep blue bodies of water. Everything I saw was beautiful and picture-worthy. I would see moments in picture form. I remember longing to capture what I saw as a kid, while not knowing I could do that by taking pictures. It's almost as if photography was innate. Concentrating on photography full-time introduced me to a lot of people, flew me to different parts of the world, taught me the language of light and shadow, and showed me how to see the world differently. Photography brought me closer to the creative freedom I craved. Making a living by doing it, however, meant I would have to take pictures of subjects I wasn't passionate about. The thought of taking pictures only because it was a means to make money, quickly drained all creative energy. Although photography is still a part of my life today and will always be, pursuing it as a business promptly turned it from passion to "job." I started taking pictures of things because I had to, not because I wanted to.

Digital Art was one of the last forms of creative expressions I explored. At this point in my life, I was burnt out and looking for something different but still innovative. I felt like I was one step closer to blending my life experience with the creative ideas I had swirling around. Digital Art quickly led to a web and brand agency, where I helped launch more blogs and businesses than I could count. Owning this business, however, was my tipping point. I was doing all the things I wanted to do in my digital agency. I was using my knowledge of and experience with color. I was creating different forms and aesthetics of digital art. I was using photography as a source of communication and inspiration. I was leaning on my rudimentary knowledge of psychology to guide me on what designs would be best for my clients and their customers. I was applying the education I received in business to maintain a business of my own. I was also using music as a tool for inspiration throughout my day. Yet, I didn't feel like I was exercising my creativity one bit. I began to explore the confusion, restlessness, and sadness I was feeling in my heart. After several months of questioning these feelings, I arrived at a very sobering revelation; I've never truly unleashed my creativity. I've done work in a lot of creative fields, but my job was dictated by managers, clients, and my own financial need. I've created a lot of things and have been given creative freedom in projects, however, that freedom was an illusion because there was always a point in the project where someone could ask me to change anything and everything.

So, this all leads me to where I am now, and it took painting pumpkins as porch decorations to find something that truly is 100% from my soul - painting.
I've bought several canvases over the years, to manifest what I saw in my mind(shapes and colors). Although I've always been creative, painting was never my strong suit. Every canvas I ever bought, I ruined. The desire to create, however, never went away, nor did the urge to paint something that made me proud.

I don't know why, after all these years, I have finally been able to finish a painting I love. What I do know is I've finally found a creative outlet that allows me to recreate the flood of inspiration that continuously filters through my mind.
I've often looked at my creative journey as a failure because I've seemingly jumped from one industry to the next. I've often felt very lost and struggled to see the purpose in my creative journey. Since finding painting, I can say with confidence that I don't look down on my journey anymore, nor do I see my creativity as without purpose. I have no expectations of where this will lead (although I have dreams), nor am I sure that it'll lead anywhere. What I do know, however, is this feels oddly familiar. I think I've stumbled upon the missing piece of a puzzle I've been trying to finish for a long time.

I never saw any part of my journey as related, but everything makes sense now.

Music taught me rhythm, and with that comes a particular flow and movement. These gestures are in the delicacy of each brushstroke. Makeup Artistry taught me how to use color as a form of communication. Through the colors in my paintings, I'm conversing with my audience and having full-blown conversations, although no words are present. Psychology taught me the intricacy of human emotion - what makes people feel what they feel and why. I carry that knowledge into my work to provoke specific emotions with each piece. Photography taught me the language of light and shadow. It also taught me how to see the world from many angles. With the eye of a photographer, I create scenes that are aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Digital Art taught me the importance of composition and how to reformat my work to fit different scales of digital canvases. I rely heavily on this knowledge and experience before the brush hits the canvas. There is a process of planning before any of that happens.

My creative journey hasn't been a straight line, and although I wish I had arrived at this point many years ago, I'm glad I'm here. Abstract art feels like something that's always been a part of my life, and I'm excited to unleash it. I'm thoroughly looking forward to the future, and everything this new form of creative expression brings. Whether you're following online or have my artwork hung on your wall, I hope my art brings a sense of joy, calm, inner-reflection, and inspiration into your life.

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